The Heretik

A TIP FROM THE BARTENDER

SO THIS WOMAN WALKS INTO A BAR and starts telling this story about a guy who walks into a bar who bitches about having to tip bartenders.  Bartenders love THIS KIND OF STORY.

TAKE IT AWAY, JOSH.  Now let's do some math. Say I spend $40 boozing. Conservatively, that's eight drinks at $4 per—$32. The remaining $8 arises from the obligatory dollar-per-drink tip. Tipping one dollar on a four-dollar drink is akin to a 25-percent gratuity. Throwing a buck on a $2 PBR, why, that's 50 percent. Hookers aren't tipped that well.  So I call bullshit on bar tipping.[MORE]

JOSH, BUDDY, BARTENDERS LOVE IT when the righteous like you who will down eight drinks come in.  We like it that you have everything all figured out down to the dollar, because the hospitality biz is all about dollars and cents. And cleaning up after you puke in the bathroom.

WE HAVE NO OTHER CUSTOMERS, clients, or indeed friends who need us just now, so no need drop what we are doing.  How are you doing, Josh?  Tough day. Let me buy you a drink. Let me buy you a drink in front of your friends so they will know you are somebody.  I will laugh at the joke in front of that woman . . . hey, where did she go?  Dude, really there are other women.  I know. How?  I’m a bartender.

GET OVER HERE, YOU LOVABLE, LOUDMOUTHED LUG.  You okay, Josh?  Sure you are.  Do me a favor, okay?  Don’t accidentally “graze” that lady who just walked by again.  Thanks.  Or that the server either. 

COME ON. DON’T BE LIKE THAT, Josh.  We know you worked hard today saving the world so we hope you will take one of the valuable seats at the bar.  All of us here are overjoyed to listen to your wisdom, your jokes, and your sorrow.

WE ENJOY THE FUN of getting  in there and chill things out when you get overly aggressive with your friends, talk too loud, and fight. We really like it when you hit on women who wouldn’t give you the time of day.

YOUR GENEROSITY CONTRIBUTES IMMEASURABLY to the culture of this establishment and this great city.  Don’t bring any money next time.   Just having you around is enough.

A WINE FOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT

A WHITE WINE FOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT If you want to impress your friends with something different in a white wine that pairs well with most salad at the start of dinner, with any seafood served up with lemon, butter, and herbs, think about VOUVRAY.  Made from the Chenin Blanc grape in France’s Loire Valley, vouvray invariably offers crisp acidity, typical terroir mineral character, and off dry fruit notes of quince with a touch of lemon and nectarine.  The Cork Dork particularly likes the vouvray from PICHOT MORIETTE.  Around ten dollars.  More than worth it.

GOT A QUESTION OR RECOMMENDATION?  Leave it in comments.