The Heretik

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THE LATEST EXCERPT from the autobiography of the woman the world once knew as Doctor Condoleezza Rice: 

Some people are going to say I failed at State when I was a major proponent of the minor failed state as a major player in our foreign policy.  And back then, some people might have asked how convenient it was that we could fight off the major powers for centuries, but now these minor players could hold us hostage.
 
I can see now some people might have been right in saying the minor players could be a major excuse for our need for endless power that ironically could not end the power of these minor players.  Back then, I might even have said I cared, but I don't have to now.  Because I am with Allah. Cheney, on the other hand, probably still cares, even now that he is dead. (page 74)

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LATEST EXCERPT from former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (Now Condoleezza al Salaam) Bio:

I confess my hejira took a detour when I became entrenched in the war of words and more that preceded voting on the Iraqi Constitution.  I played my piano far more skillfully than I played the press on that critical issue.  Not that I was going to go critical mass and go nuclear cloud, if you will.  That Meet the Press on October 16 could have gone a lot worse.

Thank god for Tim Russert and his softballs.  Oh, and Hardball with Chris Matthews?  There is nothing hard about Chris Matthews at all.  Later on Russert asked me if I wanted to meet the real press.  Said something about Big Russ this and that.  Think it was Andrea Mitchell who told me Tim is not Big Russ, not at all.  Now I call Russert Tiny Tim. Allah forgives me for that. (page 68)

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LATEST EXCERPT from former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice (Now Condoleezza al Salaam) Bio:

At first I was very angry with Karen Hughes going over to the Middle East and talking about women’s rights in Islamic cultures. [story]  That lady don’t know no nothing about about any East. Except maybe East Texas. [story]  That driving story drove me nuts. Women having to sit in the back seat in Saudi and being driven by a man is backward, man. But I wasn't going to take a backseat to Karen Hughes on this.   Respect the alpha female, sasquatch, is what I was so righteously, but  unkindly thinking. I was not sure she understands the nature of the problem in Iraq. [story]  Who among us does? Then I realized Karen is a sister, even though she looks like a man.  A very scary man.  Accepting Karen as a worthy woman warrior was worrisome, but what had to be done.  It was when Karen took me in her arms and gave me a manly womanly hug that the conversion within to Allah without which I am nothing began. As I recall during that embrace I thought might never end, Cheney yelped, “Chick on chick action. All right!”  Or that might have been Rumsfeld.  (page 30)

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MORE CONDI al SALAAM: On The Truth About That Matzoh Ball She Was Choking On When Kissinger Gave Her the Heimlich Maneuver:  K kept calling me.  He said we could act like I was choking on a matzoh ball and it could be a role playing game.  I would first choke on the matzoh ball, then he would save me, and together we would save the world.

But before that happened we could have some "relaxation."  That's what Kissinger calls it. I will leave "it" to you.  At least K had the guts to say in his guttural accent what he wanted but would never have.   No way that guttural goober was getting "something to remember me by."  Whatever Cheney told him was obviously a lie.  Big Time!

When I told K "it" was not going to happen, he asked me if he could have the matzoh ball I was choking on.  What a weird white man!  Gives me the willies thinking about it.  With my conversion to the ways of Shari'a I care little for material things now, but back then I told K I gave the choke ball, the matzoh of near doom, to my yoda who can yodel Scowcroft.  Scowcroft had immediately had the matzoh ball freeze dried and donated it to the Smithsonian.  So those matzoh balls you see on E Bay are bogus. (page 9)

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MORE CONDI al SALAAM: On K and the Heimlich maneuver  And  Kissinger whispers to me if I am ever choking on something big or small, I might want to have him around.  I am thinking just what?  What is he saying here, girlfriend?  Then K winks.  This mensch of mystery, this midget of a  man  I most admire winks at me.

I'll tell you something.  Even Kissinger's wink has a heavy accent.  In that moment I could hear the first whisperings of Allah in my heart.  Realizing the regent of realpolitik wants to be a real pokemon will do that to a girl.  Kissinger said his Heimlich maneuver could be the start of something big.  I was thinking Jesus, but the word that came out of my mouth was, "Allah."(page 6)

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MORE CONDI al SALAAM: THE FERRAGAMO AFFAIR WITH THE SHOES when New Orleans was drowning may have been the start of the change in me.  Kissinger says to me, “What we should care about New Orleans? With only brown people--?”  Then he realized he was sitting across from a “brown people.”  I could feel the matzoh ball from my soup sticking in my throat.

I remember Scowcroft looking at me in his odd owl like way as the soup spilled over my lips.  Neither of those tight ass white boys knew I was turning blue.  They must have thought I was mystified by their white wisdom right there in the Carnegie Deli.

I saw the white light and for the first time Allah.  Next thing I know Kissinger is telling me he gave me the Heimlich maneuver.  His  little K was pressing against my back.  He had his arms around me still. For what?  I look at Scowcroft holding his eye. That matzoh ball came flying out of my mouth and hit him good. (page 4)

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IN CONDI al SALAAM'S OWN WORDS: He is a master of saying something different from his words.  Kissingerr toys with the sauerkraut on his plate with his fork, straightening the strands of cooked cabbage in this wacked Teutonic order.  I mean, who takes the time to do that stuff?  Nobody but the K, I tell you.  I know it is all part of his power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, I can have any part of the world if I wanted to style he has.  Still I am not quite ready when he asks me if I would like a bite of his pastrami.   

Scowcroft mentions what mad times these are in the Carnegie Deli . . . (page 2)

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EXCERPT: A lot of people may not believe it, but my amazing spiritual journey began in Sodom on the Hudson. Now my diet has obviously changed.

But the first inkling of who I might be, the journey from the woman who  was to the handmaiden who is began on Fiftyseventh Street over a salami sandwich at the Carnegie Deli.  I was talking to Henry Kissinger at the time.  His tie dipped in his soup.  That happens when K gets excited  . . . (page 1)

CONDI'S DIARY

 
JUNE 4, 2005
All this talk of a nuclear option!  The President, sir, has a nuclear option.  He showed it to me.  The world went up in a big explosion.  And not just once.  The President, sir, has an ability to explode the  world once. Then in less than five minutes he is ready to explode the world again.

 

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13 March 2005 Write Your Own Caption - #126