The Heretik Sells Out, Will Work for White House

SOME THINGS HAD TO BE DONE
But some things had to be done. So The Heretik stole this wicked image from that kid with the dreadlocks Jonah in the Belly of the Whale.  Not like I'm alone in stealing stuff from the next generation. The Heretik has tried really, really like hard to be a righteous leftist. It's hard work.
The Heretik has counseled many people to stay in the fight: you inspire me, blah, blah, blah.  That Suburban Guerrilla Hot Shot Hot News Hot Chick kind of gave me the greatest left handed comment ever.  Maybe pouring all this heart and soul sh*t on the page every day is just a vain endeavor.  Man, it's hard work.
Some things had to be done. You hear that one a lot lately.  Some things had to be done.  We live in such extraordinary times.  Unlike any other times of stress.  Some things had to be done.  Like there never was a Civil War.  Or World War Two.
Ah, the Civil War.  Greatest oxymoron of all time.  What war is ever civil.  Discuss.  Some things had to be done. Some people cite Lincoln as the beginning of all big Federal power: suspending habeas corpus, shutting down newspapers, limiting dissent by arresting editors of newspapers.  People say, Oh, yeah, Lincoln, wierdo beardo, greatest president ever.  Saved the Union, freed the slaves.  Love that wierdo beardo dude.  And they say Lincoln is great because of his awful means used towards his noble end.  As that silly foolish kid Jonah from The Tripping Post would say.  Honest Word on Honest Abe.  Suspending laws was not a credit to Lincoln's legacy.  Our country did not survive because of his illegal acts, it survived despite them.  That may be the last honest thing you will hear me say today.  Or see. Because I am writing this.  Not standing on some righteous leftist stump spewing sh*t.
Where was I? These meds are a bitch, the Devil's instrument.  Oh, yeah.  Hard work.  Some things had to be done. 
Some things had to be done is some thing some people say when they are f**king you in the *ss and they don't think you'll like it.  An aside: some of you people like getting f**ked in the *ass and like it, either politically or personally.  We would all be a lot better off if you were honest about it.  But where was I?  Oh, yeah.  It's hard work.  Some things had to be done.  Man, I have been like totally sucking up to all these Uppity Women lately.  Why?  I tell my righteous leftist self: some things had to be done.  I get told to do such things makes me a traitor to all the other Weenied Ones. Some things had to be done, dickheads.  It's hard work.
One chick I will never suck up to is that dumb bitch Michelle Malkin.  Don't like using the B word and all. And don't want to say I'm calling a spade a spade, because that Gotcha Squad is on the loose and blahdy, blahdy, blah, blah.  I take it all back.  Yeah, like that is possible.  Michelle Malkin is not a bitch.  No, not at all.  She is way worse than that.  She is a f*cking idiot.  Bottom line to this demented dame.  Good men do not become greater doing bad things.  Our country did not and will not survive because our leaders break laws.  We survive in spite of these acts. 
It's hard work. Maybe I can say that sixteen times or so like Bush did in that first debate with Kerry.  It's hard work.  I am not going to say mysteriously with some hump on my back: Will you just let finish?  Why? Because I am so close to being done.  I am ready to forget about Poland, to forget about everything.  It would be way easier.  Some things have to be done.
Before I sell what's left of my soul and Satan gives me The Get Out of the Chair Here at the Desk Where I Report from the Mouth of Hell tm Pass, I have one thing to say:  Some things had to be done.  Did I say I had only one thing to say?  Okay, this is one thing part two.  It's hard work and I can't stand it anymore.  One thing part three.  I am selling out just like everbody else.  Don't judge me. These are extraordinary time.  Even I can't stand my righteous left ass anymore and hey, I need a break and would like to get laid good.  Laid good and bad.  Get laid and forget about all this BS thats's out there.  I mean I really want to get f*cked.  But before I sell out completely and go to work as official spokesmen for White House Fantasy Films, I want to speak in the spirit of all right thinking lawyers who go to L school with the right left intentions and end up working for The Man.  And that spirit speaks to me now: I see a vision of the world, but man I got to pay some bills.  Get back with me, huh.
Last Word on What Things Had to Be Done for the Good of Our Country (may need update by somebody else who still has a soul): Drilling for Oil in Alaska. Torturing the Guilty and the Innocent Without Charges, without Conscience. The War on Everything Brought to You by the People who Know Best. The Dicking of Social Security For the Many for the Benefit of the Few.  Screw this. 
This is hard work.  C ya. The Heretik sells out.  Just like everybody else.
The Heretik Out.

I leave the great work yet to be done to the following people: Jonah and Kevin Drum. That covers the young and the middle aged, people not from The Greatest Generation.  If you know any cranky old farts who still have a conscience, tell them there is a job opening available if they can't get by on Social Security.

JONAH IN THE BELLY OF THE WHALE

KEVIN DRUM

EXTRAORDINARY RENDITION....In the annals of "no shit" moments, this lede has to be somewhere in the top ten: The system the CIA relies on to ensure that the suspected terrorists it transfers to other countries will not be tortured has been ineffective and virtually impossible to monitor, according to current and former intelligence officers and lawyers, as well as counterterrorism officials who have participated in or reviewed the practice.

NOTE TO HERETIK SELF: May have O D'ed on Satire literary device. Readers may think you are as serious as these times we face

 

Comments

[Roxanne]

So, are you quitting? I don't get it.

[The Heretik]

Roxanne, wouldn't quit unless the money were right. Might have to quit because not sure of control of literary devices. Oy. You let something out of the bag, who knows where it will go.

[NTodd]

Heretik - do you get health benefits? 'cuz I'd be interested in getting a gig like this...

[pissed off patricia]

If you leave your post, heretik, you'll answer to me. Remember, I have a whip, I know how to use it, and using it doesn't make me cry one bit.

[newswriter]

i'm watching too heretik ... don't you dare desert. you're needed.

[pissed off patricia]

My most sincere advice to you sweet heretik is don't make newswriter and I come down there. We will do what must be done and I don't think you want that to happen.

[jillian]

The News with Ooze....gotta love it! ;-)

[The Heretik]

Pissed Off Patricia, you are making me rethink a lot of things. Note to Heretik Self: Is is it better to continue on with my ways and have that Hottie Popstress come down here with a whip again and maybe with the St Paddies Day asbestos green thong ..... or return to the Righteous Leftist Fold . . .

[Shakespeare's Sister]

Somebody's too sassy for his own good today. ;)

[The Heretik]

Sassy from Sister Shakes? Methinks the sister doth protest too much. And damn, there are so many other things to protest about.

. . . . i feel good .. . . i knew that i would .. . . so good, so goooooood ... . i gotta you . . . .

Stay tuned for more nooze with ooze . . .

[Sheelzebub]

Apparently, I need to post a reminder on my blog about my workplace (Hell) my soon-to-be-usurped doddering boss (Satan), and the company you'll keep if you choose to sell out.

Not that I'm averse to collecting souls, you see, but I do think it's sporting to keep everyone informed.

[Ravenmn]

The Feminister of Ephemera regrets to inform the Minister of Proper Gander that aforementioned ministries are nonrevokable. Get back to work on those lovely graphics, empty the type drawer, and keep on afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted.

{{{{{Heretik}}}}}}

[media girl]

Okay, so go get laid already! Take a vacation! Have a martini with tangerine! Bowl! Just puhleez don't go working for the White House! If you're gonna sell out, sell out big -- get stock options, a golden parachute, diamond sunglasses. Government work doesn't pay that good ... unless you're a journalist. Now there's an idea! Hmmmm.... I gotta go.

[Sheelzebub]

Femenister of Proper Gander:

I'm glad you were satirizing things. However, it did occur to me to give everyone a taste of Hell, the consequence for selling out.

The Wage of Apathy is Hell.

Since you've changed your mind about selling out to Shrub, I guess I won't be seeing you downstairs, but I hope you'll drop by sometime. ;)

[optional]

Honest Abe was just following in the footsteps of Andy Jackson who, on finding that Justice Marshall couldn't really enforce his rulings, ignored the court and acted for the benefit of all of the people of this land by evicting the Cherokee from the southeast and marching them off to Oklahoma. Clearly, great men don't have their range of action limited by such trite considerations as the rule of law or the suffering that they may bring to others.

The indulgence of the sell out passage compares favorably with clips of the annual self-flaggelation of Shiites and ultra-conservative Roman Catholics. It's tittilating, but oh-so-unnecesarry. In our world, when it comes to a throwing away everything that you might've held dear, all ya gotta remember is 9/11 changed everything. Perhaps it just took a little longer for this realization to sink in?

Of course, if 9/11 and Iraq weren't enough to get you to sign on for this administration's rapture inducing foreign policy, its insistence on having its way in Iran could be just the incentive you need for a sell out. There's no particularly good reason to suppose that the rest of the world will sit idly by while the Bush administration adds to its control of the world's petroleum reserves. Such prospects demand ready cash reserves (denominated in Swiss frans or Euros) and the disposable income required for emergency construction projects. Can't you hear your bomb shelter calling?

[Hanna]

I would sell out in a second if they gave me one of them SkyCam helicopters.

And a tank, you know, just for cruisin' up and down the Pike/Pine corridor, pickin' up chicks. Then I could take them on a ride in my SkyCam, show them the Space Needle and then off to my bachelorette pad (that would also have to be part of the deal, I guess) on Vashon Island. Which would also have to be part of the deal, I guess.

The part they don't tell you about selling out is that the price always goes up and up and up. Kinda like a SkyCam Helicopter.

Love,

Hanna

[LJ/Aquaria]

Gee, how messed up is it that a threat from me if you ever deserted is NOT to spank you till your bum was all red and stinging?

I have other ways of making men pay. Right, NTodd?

[The Heretik]

Gee, how messed up is it that a threat from me if you ever deserted is NOT to spank you till your bum was all red and stinging?A most serious threat indeed! So noted. Waze will change immediately, Doministress! Until I sell out again tomorrow. That's right tomorrow! The Heretik will be selling out tomorrow March 24, 2005.

[The Heretik]

The part they don't tell you about selling out is that the price always goes up and up and up. Kinda like a SkyCam Helicopter. Selling Out, Hanna? A price? Just wait til The Heretik Sells Out Tomorrow