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February 2006

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What I Read in the Waiting Room of Hell


From the Tongues of Angels

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February 17, 2005



I'd like to order 144 rolls.


Years of coming up with great ideas for Computer companies and THIS is the one that finally gets recognized? I'm so proud.

Okay now we need a press release. I'll work on it.

Thanks for acknowledging the idea. See that's the difference between the left and the right. We have shame.

The Heretik

Proud of you, too.


"Alberto Gonzales Wipes His Ass with the Constitution, Now You Can Too!"

Government printing office has overrun of special toilet paper ordered for the office of the Attorney General's office, makes Constitution toilet paper available to the public!

The GSA's mistake is your gain! Someone in the White House goofed! Seven months ago someone in the office of the legal counsel to the President filled out GSA schedule ooJWOD and checked the box SIN J851 1 for jumbo toilet paper. Then they also checked SIN J752 2 for customized business products and wrote in “The Constitution of the United States (with Bill of Rights)”. Was the mistake that we printed the Constitution on the toilet paper? NO! They wanted the Constitution on the toilet paper! The problem is they ordered TOO MUCH! Instead of ordering 200 gross cases of the paper they ordered 200 gross containers! Each container alone contains 2000 gross cases! The total order equaled 829 MILLION rolls of toilet paper. Here at the GSA we just followed orders since we didn't want to be classified as enemy combatants!

After AG Gonzales yelling at us and threatening us with waterboarding, stress positions and sticking a model IR-139G eGloStick up our ass, we said we would get rid of the excess AT A PROFIT (which we would split with the Attorney General). So now this product that was to be used exclusively by the White House, and the Attorney General’s office can be used by you in the comfort of your own bathroom!

To order your case of Constitution Toilet paper go to:

Act NOW! Supplies are limited! Don't DeLay!

The Heretik

The Heretik tried to comment on your site, but comment went 404 error on The Heretik's cranky ass.

Good job, pat yourself on the back. Now get back to work.

The Heretik's Research Assistant


I was probably updating the site when you tried. I'm going to ad the link to your site and an image of the paper.

Back to work! Sir. Yes. Sir.

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