NO COMMENT Celebrities talk out their butts about everything but what they do for a living. Why do they expect us to care? I have no comment on Tom Cruise’s recent foray into the forest where he has gone to slay the beasts and win the maiden. I have nothing to say at all. Because I have a distinct bias in regard to Tom Cruise. I liked him when he wore the sunglasses and was the kid who trashed his dad’s Porsche, a kid who hooked up all his friends with hookers and made a mint to get the Porsche back, and somehow get some time in with Rebecca DeMornay on an elevated train in I think it was Chicago. Risky Business was the perfect movie for the Eighties. A fantasy about covering your ass and getting into Princeton and on with the great success that would be life.
I should just stop here, because I have a bias. I won’t mention that the man now is not the boy that was Tom Cruise. His face seems to have changed. His nose back then was larger, but his small nose sticks itself in more places now, least of all Oprah’s festive and smaller butt. I liked Tom Cruise in that movie Tapped, another perfect movie for the Eighties. In that one he ended up in the window of a military school sniping at people who wanted to change the way his military did things. Now Tom Cruise snipes at other things, just picks things off one by one. I should comment no further.
Because I have a bias about Tom Cruise. I know when that bias first reared its ugly head. Top Gun. Danger Zone. Oy. Top Gun was the perfect movie for the Eighties. Even more so than An Officer and a Gentleman, it made the soldier’s life understandable and noble. It made it look like fun. It was morning in America. Then for Cruise there was The Color of Money. And Rain Man. I liked Tom Cruise in Rain Man. He was totally believable as the brother who was a dick. I wish I never saw him in A Few Good Men. That was when I sadly discovered Tom’s Three Acting Tricks. Raise the voice and tilt the head. A stiff hand gesture. Fake smile. *Sob* I won’t even mention how he stole away and ruined the hottest ice queen of my lonely keyboard memories. *Sigh* Nicole Kidman.
I shouldn’t have any comment on Tom Cruise because I have this bias. It’s all about me and Nicole. *Sniffle* At least it is for me. Nicole? I am pretty sure she doesn’t even know I am alive anymore. Did she ever? I should stop right here. So I will stop right here. Actually right here, in a minute. If I did have something to say about Tom Cruise, I would tell him I really want to be his friend. Because everybody needs a celebrity for a friend and it looks like Oprah is already all booked up for friends with people like Tom. If I were Tom’s friend, I would tell him congratulations on getting engaged and getting married and speaking so intelligently about it all on national TV. I would tell him he should try to help his fiance Katie Holmes eat more, because she looks like she is dropping pounds even more quickly than he is dropping his opinions on everyone. I would tell him if he could get her to have as much weight as he thinks his opinions should have, then she would be all right.
I must confess again I really shouldn’t comment because I have a bias about Tom Cruise brought on by an unnatural attraction to a hot ice woman who will next be in a movie about a television character. I have no bias I can think of against Tom Cruise brought on by an attraction natural or otherwise to a woman who could be Tom’s daughter who should eat more. I know nothing about them and so could not comment with any authority, not that I know much about authority.
If I were to comment about authority, however, I would say the person who must claim to be an authority on something in order to make authoritative statements is probably not the author of some truth, but something darker. Authority is in the message, not the messenger. Question authority, but also interrogate those people who put those annoying, questioning bumper stickers on their cars.
I have no comments on Brooke Shields’ comments on Tom Cruise’s comments on psychiatry post partum depression except to note that Brooke Shields will probably not be paying for any tickets to any Tom Cruise movie soon. Brooke Shields probably will not be going to any Tom Cruise movies, even if somebody gives her tickets to his seats, which would be the best seats in the house. Right next to Oprah. Or on Oprah’s lap. Which like her butt is smaller and more festive now. Oprah has told my daughter this on television so it must be true. I will not comment on my comments now except to say my daughter has not been on television with Oprah, not yet. My daughter watches Oprah who she says is watching out for us. No comment.
I HAVE NO COMMENT. I have no opinion on Tom Cruise whom I admit I have a bias against. I have no authority nor do I claim it. Tom Cruise has his Scientology which will soon be Katie Holmes Scientology, but will never be Nicole K’s religion. So be it. If it works for you, Tom, good work. If it stops working, give Brooke Shields a call. Religion is for each of us to decide upon for ourselves, or not at all. I would tell Tom Cruise I am starting up my own new religion soon. If he ever gets tired of Scientology, Tom Cruise can work below me in my church where everybody is allowed to believe things different from me. Yes, at the Chapel of the Heretik, people can believe what ever they want just so long as they drop their money in the collection basket before they go. That is kind of like what people do when they go to movies and believe whatever actors say on screen
QUESTION OF THE DAY: This is not a comment on the above. Who is the most annoying celebrity today as far as offering opinions great and small? Why?
OH, YEAH AND RATINGS ARE DOWN! FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: For more than a decade Katie Couric has reigned as the Everywoman of
morning television. NBC considered her so critical to restoring the
pre-eminence of "Today" after the disaster known as Deborah Norville
that in 2001 the network gave her a $60 million contract over
four-and-a-half years to keep her from defecting. Inevitably, Ms.
Couric's on-air persona changed, along with her appearance and pay
scale. But lately her image has grown downright scary: America's girl
next door has morphed into the mercurial diva down the hall. At the
first sound of her peremptory voice and clickety stiletto heels, people
dart behind doors and douse the lights.
THE HERETIK SAYS: Mercurial, Peremptory, Stiletto, Dart: I Want More Cliches Before This Cat Fight Continues!
MORE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES: . . . . The strained chemistry between Ms. Couric and her colleagues . . . Panic has set in at Rockefeller Center . . . "Today" "didn't sparkle enough" . . . If anything, the problem with "Today" is that it sparkles and shows off too much . . . Today" has turned her popularity into a Marxist-style cult of personality . . . . Ms. Couric made her mark in television by being natural and unaffected, but nobody can stay that way in that job for long.
The Heretik says: Oy, those crazy successful women. The nerve! Having ups and downs! Making seventeen million dollars more a year than a New York Times "reporter," give or take a million.
DOES ANYBODY CARE ABOUT THIS? Is Katie Couric good or evil? Does she tell the news or is she news? Who on network television matters beside those Desperate Housewives? Can successful woman get a break? The Heretik wants to know what you think!
As Rick Says to Ilsa in Casablanca, "We'll always have Paris." A romantic moment for sure. One they could share alone. But today everyone has had Paris. Paris Hilton. Or so it seems. Ask yourself how much time is wasted in your life on people you don't even know? Our society has become a culture of intimate strangers.
VOTE NOW FOR YOUR OCCULT PERSONALITY OF THE DAY! Paris or Dolly? Your Vote Counts ! (at least on this)